Maybe they don’t like wearing underpants over tights and running around in masks and a caps and fighting off even weirder looking people than them, but Asian Super Heroes seem to be a bit thin on the ground. McDonald’s Hamburglar doesn’t count.

Personally, I think Asia is really missing out on competing with Marvel and DC Comics’ stranglehold on the huge market for Super Heroes with incredible and incredulous super powers. It’s like that horrible Bonnie Tyler song where she sounds like Meat Loaf and is “Looking for a hero.” The whole world’s feels it wants to be saved for everything and only some imaginary super hero can get us outta this shithole we have dug for ourselves. And so wait for Batman and his toy boy Robin. We wait for Iron Man to get into his suit. We wait for Spider Man to undo webs of intrigue. We wait for Avengers to, well, avenge. But, again, I ask: Where are the Asian Super Heroes and is this paucity of them to come and save us de to some genetic defects or a lack of a good tailor or a paranoia of looking gay?

One would think that in all the fitness centres which have sprung up across Asia and where hunky guys push up, push down, work their abs and dance and pant to, yes, that Bonnie Tyler song, there must beat the heart of a potential super hero- gay, straight or narrow. Speaking of which, isn’t it time for a Gay Man to fight the conservatives round the world and Mitt Romney? And isn’t every Super Hero- male and female- gay, anyway? Catwoman, my ass.

Getting back to Asian Super Heroes, there was Kato, but he was only the sidekick- and chauffer- to The Green Hornet, a role which Bruce Lee played on television before being pissed off for having to play a “chop suey” character for “Amellican” audiences and also playing second fiddle to whoever the actor was who played his “boss” and whom the Little Dragon could have knocked unconscious with his little finger.

But apart from Kato, who’s there been? Who’s out there now? These people? Think they can save our mortal souls- and asses?

India’s Shah Ruck Khan appeared quite recently as G.One, but he did nothing for me. Far more interesting would have been if he had played G.Spot and whose calling in life was to help women find theirs. The Happy Hooker becomes Asia’s Happy Gigolo, Super Hero.

Why, for example, couldn’t there by Dim Sum Man from Hong Kong who pushes dim sum carts to fight off the bad guys? Or The Incredible Saliva Man who spits on the bad guys? Or a chubby Chinese chef working in a five-star hotel who makes dumplings by day but dons tights and a cape and mask at night and transforms himself into some rippling fit and buffo Cooking Bro? Why not? If Yan Can Cook- and this Martin Yan guy is an embarrassment to Chinese the world over. Bruce Lee would have kicked his ass for speaking like a Chinaman on television.

From Malaysia, there could be Durian Man who emits an incredibly foul smell to outfox his enemies.

Singapore could have Satay Man, the thinnest Super Hero in the world, who fights off evil with thin sticks and also walks on thin sticks and whose nemesis is the vampy Sarong Party Girl.

India could have Papa Dum, the world’s oldest Superhero, and Bollywood Man who confuses the hell outta his enemies by breaking into song and dancing in the middle of a fight.

I could go on and on- and I might later- but, for the time being, I’m off to have a Dim Sum Breakfast and meet Char Siu Bao Man.